9 Things I wish I knew before having an affair with a married man
After staying in a secret relationship for more than a decade, I’m admittedly regretful about my wasted youth. The biggest problem of all, in my opinion? Free will, especially being able to fall in love with a married man, which is forbidden. However, the affair taught me about man’s empty promises and God’s surprising staying power.
After only six months out, I realize the cost of adultery is the difference between the life you could’ve had and the hidden life you chose. And how do you put a price on that?
GOD’S PLAN – COLOSSAL MISTAKE = ???
Though I drew closer to God during the affair, my relationship with the man still tightened. And the mere thought of losing him devastated me. Would I be able to live without him? Could he live without me?
“How the heck did I fall into this?”
“Lord, I love him. I could never love anyone else but him!”
I was sincere. Sincerely wrong.
Eventually, his abhorrent lying, which increased over the years, made me end it.
The first four months of no contact were the hardest. That said, I couldn’t tell anyone about the affair, not even family. Only God.
If you’re currently involved with a married man, here’s what you can expect.
“The enemy is great at marketing but terrible at follow-through. He will present you a gift but never tell you what’s in the box.”— John Grey
Real Christians don’t commit adultery.
No one ever said.
Yet it’s a hopeful belief in the back of our minds when we hear the names of certain preachers: “No, he would never,” we think to ourselves.
First, what are “real Christians”? People who have a relationship with God and pursue him, like David.
And people who are baptized in the Holy Spirit, for example, Paul and the disciples.
Ideally, you have a relationship with God AND pray in the Holy Spirit.
A common misconception is that some Christians are too holy and won’t commit adultery. Yet, even David, who God called “a man after my own heart,” fell for a married person. And so did I.
But, again, the words “adultery” and “praying in tongues” feel as though they shouldn’t be used in the same sentence, like God wouldn’t pursue someone who committed adultery. How can you pray in the Spirit and still love a married man? It’s possible.
I did it for 11 years.
You can genuinely fall in love.
But it won’t be blessed. An adulterous relationship has an upward swing and an immediate downward spiral. True love resulting from an affair is taboo in the church and isn’t addressed in the Bible either. A married man has a covenant with his wife and God. And if God isn’t in something, it fizzles and dies.
Still, you can develop strong feelings for someone you aren’t meant to be with, which is a mystery.
The sobering truth?
You can’t justify your sin by how you feel.
What’s surprising is, a relationship outside of God’s will can have the characteristics of real love; patience, kindness, perseverance, longing, honor, etc.
But what doesn’t an extra-marital relationship have? Truth. It exists in the dark, in a parallel world, not in the real world.
Sin attracts evil.
And I started noticing unusual problems arise in my life the more intimate we became. In the natural, there were logical reasons for my plummeting finances and challenges, but disaster doesn’t strike, over and over again, for no reason…
Demons had been assigned to me. And through adultery, helping a man break his marriage covenant, I had invited them in.
“Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, ‘See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.’” John 5:14
“As God does nothing without faith, Satan does nothing without sin… It’s usually some kind of disobedience that opens the door to demonic activity.”—Vlad Savchuk
Satan’s no. 1 goal? To get you to sin. As long as you’re involved in an adulterous relationship, you’ll have a thief in your house. The problem is, you don’t know what he will steal.
You have nothing in your hand—even after years.
A married couple shares a house. And the wife is usually the primary beneficiary in the husband’s will. On weekends, they laugh with their friends over a bowl of spaghetti while playing scrabble. They take turns washing the dishes, split a grocery bill, and share a loaf of bread. The two also enjoy a bottle of wine together at their favorite restaurant every few weeks. And make love on the steps of their pool once a year. The couple also shares the awe-inspiring moment of the birth of their first child. And post a hundred photos of their baby’s first steps on social media.
An affair partner will have none of this.
Any memories shared with a married man are stolen, forgotten moments that can never be spoken about at the dinner table. No selfies together. No photographs.
No evidence of the other life he lived.
It’s a cursed thing.
“God’s only concerned about the hurt spouse.”
Fiction. God sent angels to console Hagar and promised to bless her offspring (Genesis 16:10). Although, Hagar and Abraham aren’t, technically, an example of adultery. However, in every relationship in the Bible where there’s more than one woman or man, problems arise:
- Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar
- Jacob, Rachel, and Leah
- David, Uriah, and Bathsheba
- Solomon and all his wives
Nowhere in scripture is an example of a man or woman who committed adultery because they fell in love. I know what you’re thinking: “David and Bathsheba.”
The Bible doesn’t say David fell in love with Bathsheba. Likely, he fell for her looks. Still, there’s no example of an adulterous relationship that was condoned. No clause that says, “Though shalt not commit adultery, except under exemption clause 7680, when the adulterers are in love.”
God never makes allowances for infidelity.
Therefore, in my situation, I had no reference for genuine love forming from something forbidden. God doesn’t talk about the agony of loving someone you can’t be with. And I had a big problem with this.
In 2020, I hadn’t seen the man I loved physically for two years, although the relationship continued via text and Zoom.
In the natural, it looked like he needed to be away for business reasons, but God deliberately sent him away.
By the end of the year, the Lord gave me four words when I asked him about the man I loved:
“I have separated you.”
And he did.
In the end, it’s not about the affair partner; it’s about the covenant the man made with his wife and God.
Ultimately, adultery will always cause the married person and the affair partner harm.
Being a secret isn’t fun after a year.
You’ve hit 30, and the excitement’s worn off. You’re past the honeymoon stage of the relationship, but the problem is, he convinces you something will come of the monumental love he feels for you. So you stick it out.
“We’ll go away on a cruise ship and sail around the world!” he says.
You can’t even go to Starbucks to get coffee without being seen.
And if he’s your colleague, you’re a stranger at work. Last on an email list. And the love of his life in the bedroom.
Together, you’ve created something that’s not real.
God’s plans for you are delayed.
And messed up. God may give you favor with a boss, colleague, or friend, but what if you take that favor too far?
Long-term affairs are the most devastating. If you stop the relationship, you break your heart. And you can’t stop now; you’ve given up your twenties for this man.
Ask yourself… What has he given up for you?
When it ends, you actually lose your identity and don’t know who you are.
And how do you get God to reroute you after a decade of miss-steps?
GOD’S PLAN – ADULTERY = RECALCULATING
There are degrees of sin.
And the more grievous the sin, the worse the theft. Satan can legally rob you when you sin.
After four years, kissing and cuddling weren’t enough for me anymore. I had sacrificed my twenties and was tired of waiting and empty promises. He looked at me in a way no man ever had, stoking a white-hot pain in my heart. But I noticed big problems after the first time we were intimate: the more sexual we became, the more money grew scarce.
It’s probably just your looks.
Do you have a pretty face? A good body? And how old are you in comparison to his wife?
Fact: attraction matters.
Between a good-looking guy who’s a slob and an ugly man who dresses well and smells clean, the man who respects himself wins, hands down. And men feel the same way about women.
But… if you’re striking, how do you know he really loves you? A great way to determine a man’s character is to watch him with his mother. Is he impatient and disinterested in what she has to say? Then he’s likely the same way with his wife behind closed doors—and that’s how he’ll treat you in a year, too.
In an affair, you have no “for better or for worse.” No covenant protection. If you have an extra-marital relationship for a year and gain twenty pounds or land up in a horrific accident … he can just walk away.
And no one will care about your pain.
What’s on the other side of sin?
After the heart-wrenching agony and nearly losing everything, righteous indignation set in.
“If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:11
“If this man isn’t meant to be with me, then who is, Lord?”
“What would’ve happened if I didn’t commit adultery?”
MONUMENTAL MISTAKE – REROUTE = REDEMPTIVE PLAN
King Solomon is a biblical example of God’s redemptive mercy. He was the child of David and Bathsheba, and God blessed him abundantly, even though his parents’ union was born out of adultery. However, let’s not forget that David’s first child from Bathsheba died as punishment for David’s adultery and murder of Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband.
In this life, God wants us to experience a rare, genuine love with our covenant partner.
When we repent and let go of what isn’t ours and trust him to lead us to the spouse he has for us, we’ll be restored. But the longer a person stays in an adulterous relationship, the greater the natural and spiritual consequences of adultery.
The bottom line
I believe delicious fruit hung on the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Do you remember what Eve said to God when he asked her why she ate from the tree? She replied with: “The serpent beguiled me.”
And she was deceived—Satan told her she wouldn’t surely die if she ate from the tree. Eve believed she wouldn’t die. She didn’t believe what God had said: “You must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”
Now, do you recall Adam’s response to God when he was asked why he ate the fruit? He said: “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
He blamed his wife.
After Adam fell, he had less respect for his wife and God. And shifted the blame for his sin.
The man I loved always told me he’d take responsibility if the relationship became public, not denying its existence nor his love for me.
He lied. And like Eve, I was deceived into thinking our relationship was more important in my life than God’s Word.
A married man tastes delightful, just like a bright red apple. But anything that exists outside of God’s boundaries, in the dark, will rot and die.
You can’t go on what you see, feel, or even your truth. Remember: love and lust look the same in a man’s eyes. Life is about God’s truth, and what he’s called sin is indeed sin.
When you pray about loving a married man, God is quiet. However, his silence on the matter is because he’s already spoken:
“Didn’t God make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his… So guard your heart; remain faithful to the wife of your youth.” Malachi 2:15
The sad part is, you can really fall in love with a married man. That’s the power of free will, and the curse of it. God doesn’t even control who we love.
Eventually, anything that exists outside of God’s will becomes corrupt and evil.