When you start dating a person, it’s easy to get overwhelmed with questions, red flags, and deciphering your feelings.

And after the honeymoon stage of a relationship, challenges plague every couple.

Grimly—pain and happiness are synonymous with commitment.

If you’ve ever watched a documentary on polygamy, you probably thought to yourself…

“These women (or men) are strange. They live together in the same house and share one man!”

And you’re right, it isn’t healthy.

In truth? It’s terribly sad.

For the most part, these people don’t know any better. They’re stuck trying to figure out how to share a man they both love.

Yet, if you think of yourself as polyamorous—the shoe doesn’t fit, despite having feelings for two people.

Nonetheless, it’s only polygamy if the two people you love know about each other and agree to “share” you.

If they don’t know of each other…

It’s infidelity.

Caught in a love triangle


The driver: the man or woman who loves two people.

Primary partner: the spouse or partner of the driver.

Secondary partner: the “other” woman or man.

The entanglement

Maybe you’re already feeling your heart and life pull in two different directions.

Can you really love two people at the same time? The Passionate Love Scale (PLS) can partly measure how much you love a person, and the Love Attitude Scale (LAS) reveals how you love, for example, with eros (passionate love) or agape (altruistic love). But unfortunately, no scientific scale can measure true love. Still, top psychologists⁠ say you can love two people simultaneously. And’s that’s the problem. However, if there were a mental block stopping you from developing feelings for more than one person, this would violate your free will. Instead, we are warned repeatedly to only love our spouse or partner. In fact, there are over a hundred Bible verses that state each man should have one wife.

“But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:2-3

Loving two people, usually, tantamounts to trouble or one partner not knowing about the other. For example, a wife not knowing about her husband’s mistress.

If you love two people, you’re in the driver’s seat, and one of the two people you love could get really hurt.

But that’s rarely the case.

They’ll BOTH, likely, fall apart if they find out about each other. Or worse—only the affair partner’s life will be messed up when the relationship ends, while your primary partner will have no idea of your kindled flame.

Until it comes out.

Nonetheless, who holds the knife cutting your heart in two?

You do.

“If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” —Johnny Depp

“All of me loves ALL of you.”

Affairs are evil. And yet, it’s surprisingly so easy to love someone you’re not supposed to.

The truth is that a new or secret relationship often ignites excitement or fills a void in a person.

For example, a young, insecure secretary and a college professor who’s in his sixties. The one party’s strengths seem to fit perfectly in the weakest areas of the other person. Until the secretary becomes self-assured and starts asking serious questions and making demands.

“My family wants to meet you.”

“Can we go out with my friends?”

“Let’s talk about the future.”

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Defending the “other” woman or the affair partner.

Integration into the life of a married man or woman isn’t possible. Even a mature Christian will struggle when they have two people to choose from, spending more time with one while shortchanging the other.

“Which one looks prettier today?”

“Which one is keeping it light and fun?”

Not in the mood for serious questions? Well, go with the other.

However, and it’s a big however

Even people who loved God deeply fell into the trap of an affair.

Remember David? God called him a man after his own heart.

What’s important to note is that God didn’t condemn David for committing adultery, nor did he take away his kingdom. Still, David and Bathsheba were BOTH disciplined. And David’s punishment was four-fold; he lost four of his children during his lifetime because he committed adultery and murdered Bathsheba’s husband.

So… If you truly believe you love two people, I encourage you to do one thing…

It’s the most crucial thing you can do, even if you’re at your wit’s end.

No matter your current religious standing, I know someone who can rewrite your story. He knows where you are and where you need to be.

The most important thing?

Talk to God.

If you’re unsure which direction to take, He will guide you.

If you can’t end the secondary relationship, He will show you how.

If you don’t know who the right person is for you, don’t worry; God is a matchmaker—He’ll lead you to your future spouse.

There’s nothing you can say to Him that’s off-limits. The Holy Spirit is dependable, genuine, and has a no-fail approach to solving problems. As a result, I feel less judged sharing with God—the judge—than I do talking to some family members.

God will help you, guide you, and show you what to do next.

He is for you.

“When the Holy Spirit leads you in the wisdom of Jesus, there will be no impossible situation, no insolvable problem, and no insurmountable crisis. The wisdom of Jesus in you will help you successfully navigate all your trials and cause you to prevail over all your challenges!”—JosephPrince.com

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Anything that makes you feel good can be addictive.

7 Delusions of an Affair

  1. “This is something different; it’s not an affair.”
  2. “He’ll leave his wife eventually.”
  3. “This relationship won’t harm me… I can handle it.”
  4. “He respects me.”
  5. “I must wait for [married person].” One year, two years, five years… 10 years?
  6. “He’ll protect me.”
  7. “The relationship won’t affect other areas of my life.”

Apply enough heat, and the snakes come out.

In many instances, it’s the “other” woman or man no one knows about that gets the most hurt. The affair partner can only be party to so many lies. And remaining hidden and covert meetups aren’t exciting after the first year. Sadly, and as you know, a secret relationship exists only in the dark, in a parallel world… not the real world.

For example, has your relationship undergone any stressors? What will you or the other person you love need to sacrifice to be with you? If your relationship exists in a bubble with no real-life expectations, is your relationship sustainable?

The “solution” to your problem?

End one of the relationships.

Before. It’s. Too. Late.

A step-by-step roadmap to ending the wrong relationship:

  1. Set a date to end the relationship.
  2. Make a clean break from the person on [insert date], remembering that this person deserves a man or woman that loves them and only them—and that’s not you.
  3. Tell your primary partner the whole truth. Don’t base your new fidelity on a cracked foundation.
  4. Your ex-secondary partner may reach out to you at around the 30-day mark of no contact but refrain from responding.
  5. Do not discredit your secondary partner in fear that they may tell people about your relationship. Only narcissists do this.
  6. Take responsibility when the relationship with your secondary partner becomes public.

“I held tight to the relationship. We prayed together all the time, even though he was married. Yet, in the end, there wasn’t one area in my life that wasn’t falling apart. My job, finances, and relationships showed evidence of sin in the camp—Bethany Brown

Stepping outside the boundary of a relationship or marriage causes extreme pain, pain God will use as correction. Sadly, the wrong people get hurt, usually, the innocent spouse and the children involved.

Plus, since you opened a door, Satan will waltz right in and begin wreaking havoc in your life.

By pursuing more than one relationship, you’ll hurt yourself and EVERYONE involved. And God will allow the pain because he warned us not to commit adultery.

God doesn’t tell us not to have an affair for his sake; he does it for ours.

Having only been on the other side—being one of the two people—I always struggle to understand how loving more than one person is even possible. Because, let’s face it, one relationship should clearly be stronger.

Also, when you’re closer to one person, you’re further away from the other, so you’re not mutually exclusive. Your partner can’t be with you and the other person at the same time.

According to studies, a person who has been intimate with one partner over a weekend, for example, will actively avoid or lash out at the other partner when they make contact. Why? Because of guilt.

A man and a woman, by design, become one flesh when they have sex, and it’s difficult to be with a person if your body was just entwined with another. Monogamy is hardwired into us.

It never ends well…

A man fuels a relationship with his secretary at work.

And nobody knows.

He sends her text messages throughout the day. He calls. He reassures her. And has private pet names for her.

In Selena Gomez’s words: he sets fire to her forest, and he lets it burn.

Any memories shared with a married man are stolen, forgotten moments that can never be spoken about at the dinner table with friends or family.

No selfies together. No photographs.

No evidence of another life he lived.

The secondary partner is robbed of memories, and haunted by them.

Who is the secondary person?

Yes—they’re a person. And they don’t want to care for someone who’s married.

There’s no greater anguish than loving someone you’re not supposed to, no greater pain. A wound in your soul.

Nothing compares to the incredible flight of growing feelings, and panic.

In the end, the agony of a bleeding heart. A tragedy.

Types of affairs

The nonchalant (casual)The semifreddo (in between)The all-in (serious)
The affair partner is usually young. An extramarital relationship with this type of person is short-lived and based on sex. The secondary partner doesn’t grasp the consequences or that there’s a wife (or husband) with a little girl at home waiting for her parent. A one-night stand falls into this category. As such, the affair partner may walk away with no guilt. But the married person WILL remember in the morning. A wedding ring has a voice the next day, yet it doesn’t seem to talk during sex. The affair partner genuinely likes the married person. There’s a friendship at the foundation of the relationship, but their heart isn’t in it. They’re able to escape without getting hurt—or hurting anyone else. Together, the cheaters weigh the ramifications and are careful not to tell anyone about the affair. This type of infidelity is usually formed between colleagues or friends.The married individual shares their feelings with the secondary partner. Feelings they’ve never felt before, not even for their spouse. Sadly, they give the secondary partner hope of a future together. The married person tells the affair partner that they love their spouse, but they also love them. This is the most dangerous type of affair because it can last years.

It’s strange how something that feels so right is so wrong.

That’s the power of free will, and the curse of it.

God doesn’t even control who we love.

If you love two people, you fall into one of three categories:

  1. You care for two people who are both single, or
  2. You care for two people who are married, or
  3. A hybrid of the two, where the one person you care about is married—your spouse or your affair partner—and then the second person you like is single, or vice versa.

On the other hand, if you are one of the two people—in other words, your spouse or partner has expressed feelings for another person… You need to make a decision about whether or not you’re going to end the relationship. If you’re not married to the person, only give them a short amount of time to make up their mind, no longer than a month.

If they’re your spouse, tread lightly, but make it clear that they need to walk away from the other person. Furthermore, if they’ve been intimate or had sex with the affair partner, you need to decide if you’re going to end your marriage.

According to relationship coach Robert Marchel, having feelings for two people can be compared to pulling a rope in two different directions. And the person who has feelings for multiple partners… is the rope!

My theory? If you saw your partner with another person—hugging, holding, humping…

You’d never stay in a relationship with them. 

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“Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” Proverbs 6:27

The bottom line?

Can a person control who they develop feelings for?

I’m not talking about your friend who thinks his co-worker is cute or the guy at the office who all the women gush over.

I’m referring to genuine love. The kind that protects and goes above and beyond, the dependable kind of love.

This love is rare, this love is warm. And this love can be stoked like a fire, and grow.

This love gets into your soul.

Now listen. Cold grey embers start to spark with flecks of orange. You hear the crackle of the wood and feel the heat intensify as he stares into your eyes. He brought the matches. He struck the match.

But that’s not enough: he wants a fire.

So he fetches the gasoline.

Nothing ignites a relationship like sex.

Every kiss, every touch kindles another flame. And, once you have a blazing inferno—who can stop it?

Yes. You can burn two bonfires at the same time.

But, ask yourself…

Who will clean up the ashes?