How to stop loving someone who hurts you. When you feel lonely
Immature love bites. Yet genuine love won’t break your heart. Not on purpose anyway. However, when your Romeo or Juliet hurts you deliberately, their cruel words do the work, words that burn into your soul and magnify wounds, the sting of rejection, the bluntness in their tone—actions that scream, “I don’t care about you. Move on!”
If only it were that easy.
How to stop loving someone who hurts you: First, cut the person out of your life for some time by implementing the 30-day no contact rule. Second, during no contact, develop a plan to distract yourself from thinking about this person. According to relationship expert Brad Browning, the best way to get someone’s attention is to implement the 30-day no contact rule. Pain is synonymous with love. But is it love? When someone deliberately hurts you, you need to devise an exit strategy. During the first week of no contact, keep yourself busy and have a friend to talk to. As you’re pulling away from the person you love, you’ll feel the most agony. You’re breaking a pattern or a soul tie, and it’s painful. But, most importantly, you’re respecting yourself.
The psychology of the no contact rule
Here’s where men and women think differently.
Men were made to chase, and the impact of no contact works differently on the two sexes. Whether the person you love is male or female, you’ll get their attention as soon as you break the patterns you have in the relationship. For example, if you’ve never gone longer than five days without talking, your partner’s eyebrows will be raised if you don’t contact them when day five hits. And this is precisely what you want.
If you’re a man…
Only use the no contact rule if the woman you love is manipulative, using you, or playing games. The time of no contact will give her a jolt: “Do I want this man in my life? How do I feel without him?” If she makes contact with you in the first week, depending on her behavior when you last spoke, decide whether or not you will respond. If her message or text is genuine, reply after three days. But if she took things too far when you left things off, only respond after 30 days. A message like, “What’s up?” on day five does not warrant a response. But if she says something like, “I behaved really badly the last time we spoke. I’m sorry,” you can respond—but only three days later. If she doesn’t reach out to you, don’t contact her.
If you’re a woman…
If the man you love is emotionally abusive in any way, and the relationship is really over, completely breaking up and the no contact rule act as the same thing; he’s moving out of your life, or, if he changes, he’s coming back. The no contact rule gives him a chance to change. Whether he comes back or not, the 30 days are about YOU. Keep yourself busy.
How the 30-day no contact rule works
You break all communication. ALL. And this is usually implemented after a fight or disagreement. No text messages. No calls. Absolutely no contact. If you’re married to this person, get away. Go on holiday or stay with a friend. But you have to cut the person who’s hurting you out of your life for 30 days. This means, when he calls you on day seven, you don’t answer. When he rocks up at your house on day thirteen, you don’t open the door—you don’t even pick up the phone if he calls you from outside.
The no contact rule means absolutely no contact.
- If you’re in a relationship with the person
- If you’re not in a relationship with the person
- Hurt vs. emotional abuse
- You were made for a purpose—not for a lover
- Summary—when it’s really over
If you’re in a relationship with the person
How many times did you go back to your partner when they did something wrong? Did you condone bad behavior? If they continue to treat you progressively worse, it’s because you allow it. It would help if you gave them a jolt, an electric shock. You need to disappear. What’s missing from your relationship? Respect.
When the 30-day no contact rule works
They’ve texted you? Awesome. Don’t reply. They’ve called you repeatedly? Don’t answer your phone. You’re not looking for a text. You’re looking for twelve missed calls a day and at least three texts by lunchtime. And even then – don’t respond.
You are walking out your 30 days of no contact.
When the 30-day no contact rule doesn’t work
This is the toughest place to find yourself. You’ve waited, but they haven’t called. The realization of what this means for you may be difficult to swallow. The truth? They’ve assessed their life and decided they can live without you. At this point, don’t pick up the phone and swear at them. It’s better that you know how they feel today than find out in five years. Wait 45 days and reassess. Still no contact? Wait 60 days. If they haven’t reached out to you by then, you need to ask yourself a painful question:
“Why do I care about somebody who doesn’t care about me?”
The more time that lapses before they contact you, the greater the divide, and the more likely you won’t get back together. And this isn’t a bad thing. Although it may feel like a tragedy as you’re walking it out.
If you’re not in a relationship with the person
Do you really want to be with someone who hurts you? Ask yourself this important question: Is the man or woman that’s hurting you God’s best for you? Even if you don’t believe in God, is this person really what you deserve? Who you want forever?
When the 30-day no contact rule works
So they called or texted. But it doesn’t end there. You need their behavior to do a 360-degree turn before you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Don’t respond to any communication during the 30 days. Even if they send you a hundred roses—don’t respond. Make yourself less available
Do not show your emotions until you get a commitment.
When the 30-day no contact rule doesn’t work
“Why the 30-day no contact rule always works,” I read on a dating gurus website.
But it’s not true…
If 30 days pass and your partner has made no contact with you, don’t reach out. Wait. No effort means the unthinkable: they don’t care. And this is the most devastating outcome, to realize you’ve wasted your time on them for so long. Ask yourself: “Do I really want to be with someone who doesn’t want me?” Imagine a marriage with a person like that, one where you do all the work. Knowing the truth today is better than knowing the truth five years from now.
Hurt vs. emotional abuse
Verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse in some instances. We all know the feeling when we see the red flags but ignore them. And the warning signs are evident early in a relationship.
You were made for a purpose—not for a lover.
Why did God create you? Yes, being loved is important. But if your whole world revolves around your lover, they’ll recoil.
Apart from getting married and having a family, there’s something you need to do in this world. According to Dr. Kevin Zadai, every person has a book in Heaven written in God’s handwriting. You can slow down your walk—your story—through compromise or speed it up through obedience. A person who treats you badly shouldn’t be in your book.
Summary—when the relationship is really over.
- Apply the 30-day no contact rule.
- Get a hobby. For example, join a church or start exercising. Or better—both.
- Keep yourself busy.
- Acknowledge the pain and know that it has an expiration date.
- Talk to a friend or counselor.
- Allow yourself time to grieve.
Why is walking away so painful?
“Can I have my heart back?”. That’s what you’re saying, in essence, when you end a relationship. Some of you is in them, some of them is in you. God detests frivolous sex because he knows two people become one when they’re intimate. There’s an exchange between spirits, and God sees a married couple as a unit. What’s in a husband’s spirit is transferred into his wife’s spirit, and what’s in his wife’s spirit is deposited into her husband.
The bottom line
Now-you and future-you
My previous boss told us in a meeting one day:
“Be sure to invest more money in your personal development than on toilet paper.”
What he was actually saying: spend more on your future than on something you flush.
You don’t want a person that mistreats you. But in the end, if you haven’t taken that first step – to cut ties and focus on YOU – you’re not moving forward.
You might be looking for a fresh start? To meet someone new? or just a how-to on how to actually leave?
So, here’s my question for you:
How are you going to invest in yourself?
If you take action today, you can adjust your tomorrow and prevent a broken-you, still stuck in the same place a year from now.
Imagine a time machine…
If you could be transported to the future and see yourself happy and laughing in a coffee shop with new friends, you’d know you can survive without the person who’s hurting you.
Will it be easy? No. But you deserve more, and you know it. Every time you want to contact the person who mistreats you, go back to the future—the coffee-shop-you—and feel the buzz of your iPhone from a new friend as you smell the aroma of espresso in the air. You’re no longer brokenhearted. Most importantly, you’ve moved on.
You made a decision… you want more.
Between now and then, you need to walk it out.
So, start the 30 days of no contact asap. Don’t delay.
Your future-self will thank you.