In love with a married man? What no one tells you about adultery
When you fall in love, it’s exciting and life-changing. Cupid shot his bow, and it landed in your lap. Sure enough, the more time you spend with your new man—the more you adore him.
On the other hand, when you haven’t heard from your lover in over an hour, you long to hear a word or whisper from him, a whisper that stirs excitement and burns with glory. And it’s wondrous.
Your big problem?
It’s forbidden love.
I know all there is to know about loving someone in the dark. I get it. I’ve been in your position and know how disheartening it is.
In short, a gigantic wall exists between you and the person you want and it’s complicated.
You might be thinking, “How can what I feel be wrong?”
And if it were just about the sex, that would make it easier.
Unfortunately, he’s now in your heart and you have questions.
“Why do I feel this way?”
“Can we ever be together?”
“Will he leave his wife?”
Questions that are confounded with confusion.
But… is he also looking for answers?
The advice I have isn’t what you want to hear.
When it comes to loving a married man, all you’ll ever have…
Of course, we can’t see love, nor can we touch it. But in marriage, something else is at work that you can’t see.
Yes, I’m concerned about your emotional state but worry more about your job and finances, and what will happen to you if you commit adultery.
Because it happened to me.
For years I had a hidden life and holes in my wallet. I was a secret and no one knew. I want to save you time, trouble, and money. You see, according to Pastor Vlad Savchuk of HungryGen, sexual sin is linked to poverty—surprisingly, nothing will make you poor quicker than infidelity.
In my case, the affair went from a few months to one year, and one year quickly became 13 painful years.
Today, his wife still doesn’t know. And I marvel at how his double life remained undiscovered.
The gigantic wall between you and him?
But it’s not just a silver band across a finger on a hand that entwines with yours… His ring symbolizes something more than commitment.
According to pastor and author Mark Driscoll, marriage consists of two things: covenant and consummation. And a covenant is made between two people and God.
So, if you’re in love with a married man…
You have an enormous problem.
a man who values you
will never hide you
The natural and spiritual consequences of adultery
Whether you’re religious or not, you don’t need to believe the Bible for the spiritual consequences of adultery to ravage you. But if you don’t believe me, continue in the affair and watch Satan raise hell in your life.
And, usually, things don’t go pear-shaped for a while; demons delay and accumulate torment.
Then one day…
Evil spirits open the floodgates of hell.
But I didn’t believe it.
Until I lost everything.
The unveiled truth an affair partner should know.
“The person who gets hurt is you.”
I was 25, and those were the words my mom used after she met the man I fell for. He asked to meet her, to tell her how he felt about me. Strange how he made his feelings seem… allowed.
But moms always know better.
Still, at the time, I insisted the relationship I had with him was different. He had confessed his love for me, and we were intimate, but seven years later, at age 32, I still believed the same thing:
I wasn’t having an affair.
“Extramarital relationships are short-term—fleeting—but our relationship will never end!”
Every woman believes this.
And in the beginning…
The man believes this, too.
The life of the affair partner
You feel seen, you feel accepted. But everything happens behind closed doors.
In short, he fuels the relationship.
And nobody knows.
He sends you text messages throughout the day. He calls. He reassures you. And has private pet names for you.
In Selena Gomez’s words: he sets fire to your forest, and he lets it burn.
And it’s all fun and flames.
Until it’s not.
The truth is that if you’re in love with a married man, any memories you share with him are stolen, forgotten moments that can never be spoken about at the dinner table with friends or family.
No selfies together. No photographs.
No evidence of another life he lived.
A relationship with a married man exists in a parallel world… not the real world.
Affairs, marriage, and divorce
According to statistics:
- 75% of couples who began their relationship through an affair, but later married, divorce within five years.
- 20-40% of divorces are a result of infidelity.
- Only 5-7% of affair relationships end up in marriage.
If you’re the “other” woman or man, start creating demands.
A man may see his wife as the mother of his children and you as a good time. But are you ‘real-life’ or just an escape? If the relationship exists in a bubble, with no expectations from your side… Is it sustainable? Ask yourself, has your relationship undergone any stressors? And what will he need to sacrifice to be with you?
A married man will not hesitate to have you—his cake—and his wife. Then still dump you after you hit 30 and threaten you if you expose the relationship.
Most importantly, a man wants to protect his reputation in front of his family, especially his kids. But what happens when his image is threatened? When his boss or daughter finds out? What happens to you?
The “other” woman or man experiences more pain than the wife.
You need to understand that I’m not talking about a sleazy fling. I’m referring to a relationship where a man pursues and confesses his love for you—when you are kept on a string for months or even years.
The wounded wife can open up to her friends and family about the ordeal and receive counseling and support.
But what could be more devastating?
You—the woman who gave her heart to a man who pursued her but has no shoulder to cry on when the relationship ends.
As a mistress, you’ll be shunned by people, not consoled.
So you’ll keep it secret and brood.
“Affairs are like delicate flowers; they can only grow in a climate-controlled environment. Once you take a delicate flower away from its natural environment and into the real world, it dies. An affair, whether an emotional affair or a sexual one takes a lot of work and consumes energy because they are taboo and are meant to be kept a secret, to be enjoyed only behind closed doors.”—Corrina Horne
When a married man cups your face in his hands and tells you you’ve awakened love in chambers in his heart he never knew existed… you won’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong. You may be sincere, but sincerely wrong.
In the end, you’ll be heartbroken and get no sympathy or vindication.
In contrast, the married man receives little judgment. And is even celebrated if he stays with his wife.
But nobody heard what he said to the affair partner behind closed doors—confessions of love!
The “other” woman is often worse off than the grieving spouse because no one feels sorry for someone who comes between a married couple. However, the affair partner was tricked, deceived, into believing there would be a future for her and the man.
Sadly, the “love” you get from a married man is an inferior love, a love that only flickers when there’s excitement.
In 10 years… he’ll do the same to you as he’s doing to his wife today.
As we both know, women developing feelings for married men is common. But true love is rare. Only God knows your heart’s intentions. So, if you’re in love with a married man, in the words of Joseph Prince… “You have a God!” Talk to Him!
Evidently, it’s better to talk to Him than not to.
God will orchestrate circumstances so that the relationship loses its luster. And every woman needs an all-knowing, all-seeing friend. You’ll be surprised by how much God wants to hear from you and what a good listener he is.
The bottom line
A quick affair isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you.
An affair that lasts years is.
Yes, he may leave his wife.
But when? There’ll come a time when you want more.
If I could go back… What would I do differently?
Ultimately, you have two unconventional choices.
It may seem sinister…
But if he’s been intimate with you, his covenant is broken—the truth is the truth whether it’s out in the open or hidden.
To find out his true colors…
Let his wife ‘catch’ you.
Perhaps I only say this in hindsight because I feel cheated, cheated out of my twenties, out of memories. And not with the married man I had a relationship with, but with someone who could’ve loved me… who could still be loving me today.
And you’ll feel the same way.
Pay a stranger to call his wife and tell her that her husband is seeing another woman and she must be at [insert place you meet] at 7 pm.
A married man may get away with committing adultery because he convinces his wife it meant nothing. His wife has never seen the way her husband looks at you nor knows what happens behind the scenes.
He loves you?
When you see the look on his face when his wife walks in the room…
You’ll know IF he loves you.
From my experience… No.
Or, if you really care for him and respect yourself…
The second option is to cancel your next meetup—cut ties—and never see him again.
In my instance, it’s scary to think there’s a woman out there who has no idea her husband had a 13-year relationship with a woman he treated like a wife.
After more than a decade, I chose option two and lost the best parts of my twenties and thirties.
Friend… no matter how much a married man professes his love for you—and I know how persuasive a man can be—an affair almost ALWAYS has a tragic ending.
Please… Don’t make the same mistake as I did.
You know who you really are…
Sadly, because of you, I’ve learned that love and lust look the same in a man’s eyes.
For 13 years, “you kept me as a secret, and I kept you as an oath.”
And I NEVER told anyone, because I couldn’t find the words that would convey the truth.
I hope you’ll read my book on extra-marital relationships, Alex. And I hope your wife and children will read it, too.
“Only a Queen can keep her King focused and only a King can keep a Queen interested. A Queen wants at times her King to ‘bang’ her and at times to romance her. Only a Queen can at times stand up to the King and at times have her King stand up to her. There is a harsher word for that which I don’t like but is more descriptive. This is serious stuff… 3 golden rules. Do you now understand why I say you have fire inside you? Because all three are true for you!”
Like me, as “the Queen” of a married man…
You’ll wear no crown…
Reign in no kingdom…
And write no fairytale.
In fact, there’ll be no evidence the relationship existed. Not even a divorce paper.
A relationship with a married man exists in an imaginary world, in the mind of a man who’s trying to escape reality, the wrinkles of an aging wife, the demands of teenagers, hundreds of calls a day from creditors looking for money—painful situations that say why not try someone else on for size, someone that will help you forget your real life.